Some people walk into a room with a smile A smile with their identity written all over it
My identity is embedded in my art. I cling to it. Show it off like a character witness.
However the true witnesses are my friends. My dearest oldest friends. So old i can't remember how when we first spoke. So dear they read my mind before i even speak.
I forgot how to speak. But admittedly I was never good at it.
But i try , sometimes. And every time the fear keeps me frozen in time.
Fear will shrink me down to the size of a small, awkward, buck teeth, frizzy haired, chubby little girl ,surrounded by stares and laughter.
Fear will make me doubt myself , my worth and my mind. Fear brings about the ultimate embarrassment, feeling embarrassed.I scream silently. My words seem to only appear on paper and pretty pictures on the walls Every compliment feels like acceptance.
Soon my words will hit their target; But i must first win this war against a ghost.
When i win, old relationships of tomorrow will be today's new
When I was 11
I didn't know a lot about the world around me, But I knew how to embody nothing.
A nobody with none to tell me I'm somebody.
My parents are religious and taught me how to pray for riches but never for a reason.
All I wanted was for something to give. With nothing to give I wanted to die, but with such a death came hell and hell meant something worse than this and I couldn't live like that.
One lucky day somebody gave me a gift. They showed me happiness.
I took that happiness found its value and made something meant to giveI was really good at giving it,with everything I gave a part of me was an accessory. Receiving a gift meant that a somebody thought I was a somebody too. I wasn't sure who was that somebody they saw I needed to find out so I looked. What I found was that every somebody had a something that made them special I took these things and I called them mine That's who I became .....a lie .
It took me a while to smell it but my bullshit started to stink and it smeared all over my value. I didn't find what I was looking for so I had to look again bit this time in a new direction. With this new perspective I met new somebodys and saw things that fit. I'm still looking around but it's okay.
I know one day I'll see it
Maybe when I'm 111
That fine line between too much, just enough and too little
The distinction between infatuated and obsessed
The difference between lustful and loving thoughts
All the things I thought I knew before he showed me I was wrong
To resent. To ha. To need. All the things I thought I've felt until he lied, until he left.
I blamed him. I thought I was being unjustly being punished . And that he strategically placed hatred and fury in my heart. Alas I was wrong again.
I was delusional. I was ignorant and innocent at hear. He cheated me. He used me. He took advantage and betrayed me. But it was me
I was naive. I wasn't questioning . I let imagination and hope change my reality. But most of all. I wanted revenge. I refused to forget. I reminded myself everyday of how bad it hurts. I wanted blood.
After that , I gave him a second chance But this time was better. Of course he lied again, betrayed me again
But this time. I chose to leave. I showed forgiveness. I won't forget but I will never dwell again. I refuse to be blind and broken
You walk down the street and see an old homeless man You feel bad so you give him a dollar then he smiles at you and you feel good
You feel selfless
Now what if, just what if you felt nothing Would you have given him a dollar if you didn't pity him Would you regret giving him money if it didn't satisfy you to see him smile?
What if your friends felt like talking to strangers ? Would you have any friends
What if seeing a woman in the middle of getting raped as you walk down the street made you feel indifferent ? Would you help
What if you didn't hate but you didn't love or care for anyone? Would you try to save the world or watch it burn?
Now what if you where selfless
What if
You gave that old man the dollar not knowing or caring whether he was going to buy drugs or food
You don't have any friends but you talk to who ever if willing to listen and listen to who ever is willing to speak
What if you helped that girl and not because of guilt or pity or sympathy but because you could
What is my feelings towards someone who I don't want to marry but I would I don't want to be their friend but I would I don't want them to speak but I listen I don't want anything but to know they're alive and being themselves Is that love?
What does it mean when someone makes me feel safe They are my guide to let me know I've gone too far They are my translator to people who don't understand They are the person I look up to but don't want to be Do I love them
What do I call the person who makes my heart beat fast The person that makes my stomach drop The person that makes my eyes grow wide The person I want to share my life with Do I call them "my love"
Are they the same or are they different ? Is it rude to compare one to the other or is flattering ? I just told my mother the same thing I told my burrito "I love you "